As we grow up, internalizing these terrifying events comes to shape our basic feelings of self, which can be hard to shake. This is because it can actually feel more threatening to childrenВ to see their parent in a negative light, to face the reality that their caregiver is unreliable or flawed. a caretakerвЂ™s temper, the abuse of a sibling, or neglect of a parent. They often feel responsible for conditionsВ that were outside their control, i.e.

Yet, that experience can become integrated into a childвЂ™s sense of self, making the child feel unlovable and instilling the belief that he or she must be completely self-reliant.Д¬hildren are quick to internalize or blame themselves for the traumatic events they experience. We may roll our eyes when recounting all the times our mom was really late or forgot altogether to pick us up from school. To a child, even small rejections can feel like a life or death threat, as we depend on our parents for survival. This is an inborn survival strategy meant to keep us safe, but unfortunately it makes us hypervigilant, and we can misperceive certain experiences to be life-threatening. That is because our brains are wired to recall the things that frighten or alarm us, the painful experiences we endure. Incidents that parents hardly remember can have a big impact on their children. Picture a large adult you rely on for safety looming over you and losing control. But try to imagine the event from a childвЂ™s perspective. Many things feel a lot bigger and scarier to a child who has little control or power over his or her circumstances.ДЇor example, recalling your father jumping up and down in a rage when a 4-year-old you spilled on his desk may seem forgivable or even comical to your adult self. Yet, what we have to remember is that itвЂ™s not about how we feel about the event now but how we felt as kids that affects us. ItвЂ™s common to discount what happened to us as kids as not that important once weвЂ™re adults. We may struggle to even think of anything at first. Our list of traumatic memories may or may not be long. These can include instances of bullying, rejection, neglect, ridicule, verbal abuse, alarm, etc. Psychologists often refer to traumatic interpersonal events that were not life-threatening but generated a significant emotional response as вЂњlittle tвЂќ trauma. In order to identify the events that hurt us, we must realize that trauma can exist in many forms. We may struggle in our relationships and recreate our past in our present. Research shows that when we fail to face and process the large and small traumas of our past, we can become stuck in our pain. No matter how often we try to tell ourselves that the past is in the past or to write off the ways we were hurt as вЂњno big deal,вЂќ our history continues to affect us in countless, unconscious ways. And how well we cope in our lives today depends, to a large degree, on how much we are willing to recognize and make sense of this trauma.

By this definition, we have all experienced some degree of trauma in the process of growing up. It can emerge from any impactful instance that made us feel bad, scared, hurt or ashamed. Yet, a trauma can be defined as any significant negative event or incident that shaped us. Unless weвЂ™ve suffered sexual or physical abuse, or even if we have, we may tell ourselves that there was no вЂњtraumaвЂќ in our early life. We may associate trauma with natural disaster, disease, war, loss or other extreme acts of violence.

Most of us wouldnвЂ™t use the word trauma when telling our story.

It didnt start with you